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" I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. "

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" Everybody I know who is funny, it's in them. You can teach timing, or some people are able to tell a joke, though I don't like to tell jokes. But I think you have to be born with a sense of humor and a sense of timing. "

" We spend a lot of time on Skype and other video interviews, and it's funny how many people will prepare for a Skype interview by wearing a formal suit jacket with pajama pants on the bottom. Then suddenly, someone is at the door, and you have to get up, and you realize you're wearing reindeer boxers. Just put pants on. "

Kathryn Minshew

" I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time. "

Charles M. Schulz

" Without hurting anybody, we all tend to laugh at others' discomfort. When someone slips on a banana skin and falls it's funny. "

" If my life wasn't funny, it would just be true, and that's unacceptable. "

" I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses. "

" Turn up the lights. I don't want to go home in the dark. "

" What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? "

W. Clement Stone

" I meditate and I also think about meditation. Which is funny. I think about Maharishi, about just the idea of meditating. It gives me something. "

" Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you. "

" Be obscure clearly. "

" Never put a sock in a toaster. "

" I have taken this step because I want the discipline, the fire and the authority of the Church. I am hopelessly unworthy of it, but I hope to become worthy. "

" There's always going to be someone as funny as you or funnier. "

" Funny things tend not to happen to me. I am not a natural comic. I need to think about things a lot before I can be even remotely amusing. "

" It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. "

Arthur C. Clarke

" I would ask my mother to show me how to walk - and she did show me. That's why I think it's funny when people say, 'Did so-and-so teach you how to walk?' And I always say, 'You must be talking about my mother, because it was my mother who taught me how to walk.' "

" It's funny how seeing a love story never gets boring, because it's the dream, isn't it? It's the dream to have a true connection with another human being. "

" 'Funny People' is my favorite performance of myself to date. Even though it's a comedy and there are serious moments, I really felt like Leo felt like a real person. It didn't feel like I was playing myself. Whether it's a comedy or drama, I just try to make it as realistic as possible. "

" I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. "

" When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "

" It's a funny thing, the less people have to live for, the less nerve they have to risk losing nothing. "

Zora Neale Hurston

" I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again. "

" Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution? "

" Somebody said something funny to me the other day. They said, 'Wolper, until two weeks ago, your tombstone was going to say, 'David Wolper, the man who produced 'Roots.' I think the tombstone now has a new inscription. It's going to be 'David Wolper, the man who produced the opening ceremony of the 1984 Olympics.' "

David L. Wolper

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners. "

" Always remember your kid's name. Always remember where you put your kid. Don't let your kid drive until their feet can reach the pedals. Use the right size diapers... for yourself. And, when in doubt, make funny faces. "

" To me, the funniest American of the Twentieth Century is Richard Nixon because he had the most to hide, and he was so bad at hiding it. To me, that's what's really funny - people who think they're doing a great job of hiding stuff, and it just keeps leaking out. "

" My eyes are different sizes, my nose is too broad at the bridge and squishes up when I laugh, and my lips are sorta funny when I smile. "

" It's funny; recently I've started to notice people's impersonations of me, and it's basically like a hyperactive child. "