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" A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone. "

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" I'm from the Midwest. "

" I used to make fun of young people when I was 17 - the angst, the insecurities, all those tattoos. "

" However, frat-boy humor is funny and it always will be. "

" I'm going to miss my best friends - my cameras. "

" Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.' "

" John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?' "

" People who go into show business are screwed up. "

" CBS was very generous in their offer to re-sign me. But I simply want to try something new. "

" I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed. "

" I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California. "

" They're saying Arnold will get 95% of the vote. At least according to his brother, Jeb Schwarzenegger. "

" I enjoyed retirement the right way... linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese. "

" Comedy doesn't always have to come from a dark place. "

" I don't complain. "

" It's fun being creative and that's satisfying. "

" I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population. "

" My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.' "

" People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife. "

" New rumors that Saddam Hussein is planning to flee to a castle in Libya with 10 billion dollars. Now President Bush doesn't know whether to nuke him or give him a tax cut. "

" In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series. "

" The big political news, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor of California, and already, people are chanting, 'Four more vowels, four more vowels.' "

" Broadcasting was something, I don't want to say it came easy, but it's something I'm comfortable doing. "

" I lived in a studio apartment until my mid-30s. I don't have an extravagant lifestyle. "

" President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up. "

" I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way. "

" I learned at an early age that using the third person will push some buttons. "

" I thought late-night was crowded... the format's repetitive. "

" I have a wonderful respect for old people. "

" Did you see the statue topple? Bill Clinton got nostalgic seeing something that big in a beret go down. "

" The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on. "