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" A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.' "

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" If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice. "

" The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent. "

" Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen. "

" Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly. "

" In Cleveland there is legislation moving forward to ban people from wearing pants that fit too low. However, there is lots of opposition from the plumber' union. "

" Republicans have called for a National African-American Museum. The plan is being held up by finding a location that isn't in their neighborhood. "

" Several hard-core Star Wars fans who had tickets for the first showing actually said that when the movie finally began, they started crying. Mainly because they realized that it's 22 years later, and they still haven't lost their virginity. "

" Earlier today, Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized the California school system, calling it disastrous. Arnold says California's schools are so bad that its graduates are willing to vote for me. "

" Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language. "

" During last night's debate, John Kerry and John Edwards were so friendly to each other some political experts think that they may end up running together. In fact Kerry and Edwards were so friendly, President Bush accused them of planning a gay marriage. "

" Tom Cruise's attorney said he is going to sue anyone who claims he is gay. In a related story, Ricky Martin's attorney has been hospitalized for exhaustion. "

" When all else fails there's always delusion. "

When All Else Fails

" Michael Jackson was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It caused quite a controversy, because his nose isn't eligible for another fifteen years. "

" President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards. "

" The nightmare is you spend the rest of your life being funny at parties and then people say, 'Why didn't you do that when you were on television?' "

" One's dream is constantly evolving, rising and falling, changing course. This happens in every job, but because I have worked in comedy for twenty-five years, I can probably speak best about my own profession. "

" Early on, they were timing my contract with an egg timer. "

" The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality. "

" I always knew that it was going to be an uphill climb to replace Letterman from complete obscurity with no experience, but I think I had to go through it to know exactly what a titanic effort that was going to be. "

" This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him. "

" I have an abacus at home. "

" Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen. "

" It's a good thing I was born in this century, when superfluous television seems to be part of the economy. "

" Pamela Anderson Lee released a statement confirming that she has had her breast implants removed. Doctors say that Pamela is doing fine and that her old implants are now dating Charlie Sheen. "

" I'll say I'm happy doing my thing. No one says 'no comment' anymore. "

" Yesterday, the Pentagon warned U.S. reporters that they should get out of Baghdad as soon as possible because the U.S. could attack at any time. Then the Pentagon added, 'Whatever you do, don't tell Geraldo.' "

" In a prime-time address, President Bush said he backed limited federal funding for stem cell research. That's right, the President said, this is a quote, the research could help cure brain diseases like Alzheimer's, Parkinson's, and whatever it is I have. "

" The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army. "

" President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "

" Officials at the White House are saying that President Bush hasn't changed his schedule much since the war started. The main difference, they say, is that he's started watching the news and taping Sponge Bob. "