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" You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart. "
Fred Allen
Fruit
Heart
Place
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" Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great. "
Fred Allen
Great
Bad
Competition
" A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized. "
Fred Allen
Glasses
Person
Famous
" I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement. "
Fred Allen
Play
Own
My Own
" Committee - a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done. "
Fred Allen
Committee
Done
Group
" A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on. "
Fred Allen
Man
Who
Woman
" Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars. "
Fred Allen
Mistake
Stars
Place
" Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. "
Fred Allen
Technology
Television
Well Done
" My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense. "
Fred Allen
Never
Father
Children
" Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything. "
Fred Allen
Television
Watch
Who
" I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there. "
Fred Allen
Up
You
Yourself
" I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is. "
Fred Allen
Remember
Three
Trouble
" A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times, but a good press agent can do even better. "
Fred Allen
Will
Press
Star
" What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement. "
Fred Allen
Your
Mind
Allow
" I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy. "
Fred Allen
Full
Front
Bottle
" Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year. "
Fred Allen
Never
Year
Creation
" The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference. "
Fred Allen
Exposed
Advertising
Conference
" California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange. "
Fred Allen
Live
Funny
Place
" It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals. "
Fred Allen
World
Achievement
Go
" The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion. "
Fred Allen
Religion
People
Funny
" I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap. "
Fred Allen
Because
Family
Know
" A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary. "
Fred Allen
Group
Appointed
Committee
" The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand. "
Fred Allen
Down
Funny
Him
" An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission. "
Fred Allen
Agency
Business
Confusion
" Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs. "
Fred Allen
Stars
Church
God
" An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt. "
Fred Allen
Like
Laundry
Lose
" Imitation is the sincerest form of television. "
Fred Allen
Form
Sincerest
Imitation
" The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi. "
Fred Allen
Strikes
First
Paris
" I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin. "
Fred Allen
Want
Own
Coffin
" All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it. "
Fred Allen
Humor
Anything
About
" An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer. "
Fred Allen
Will
Guy
Producer