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All Quotes by author - Rita Rudner
" A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. "
War
Will
Country
" Barbie ruined my life! It's a really bad image for women. For a long time I thought I was deformed - because my heels didn't touch the ground. I was walking around on tiptoes. What's up with that? I think that it's a bad thing for a woman to try to emulate. "
Women
Time
Think
" Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times. "
Love
Never
Fallen
" Being a dancer and a singer gave me some advantage with regards to having a stage presence. I always take my timing from the audience because they are half of my act. "
Me
Audience
Always
" Every audience has a personality. Some of them don't have the best personalities, but you're on a date with them for an hour and a half, so you just make the best of it. "
Best
Half
Audience
" I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it. "
Comedy
Dancing
Loved
" I don't do Jewish stuff because I don't want people to be left out. If I mention the Torah in Alabama, it's not going to go down that well. I used to do some Jewish jokes because when I started, I used to play lots of Jewish country clubs. "
Down
Play
Country
" I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable. "
Me
Too Much
Conversation
" I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. "
Until
Ears
Grow
" I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh. "
Laugh
You
Want
" If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good. "
Audience
Feel
Feel Good
" I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing. "
Singing
Writing
Comedy
" If you are who you are on stage, people pay attention. "
Who
Attention
You
" I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again. "
Good
Business
Time
" I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling. "
Get
Happy
Joke
" I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. "
Class
Got
Mine
" I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it. "
Comic
Until
Had
" I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around. "
Good
Fun
Birthday
" I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy. "
Worrying
Worry
Skills
" I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money! "
Know
You
Someone
" I have to visualise my jokes, live my jokes, feel the audience because every audience is different. It's like having a different dancing partner every night. "
Live
Night
Partner
" I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal. "
Love
Companion
Better
" I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. "
Care
Take Care
Parents
" I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. "
You
Rest
Great
" I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. "
Moving On
Great
Love
" I love to write jokes and that's all I think about. "
Jokes
Love
Write
" I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me. "
Simple
Me
Pleased
" I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience. "
Authority
Person
Me
" In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. "
Marriage
Hollywood
Success
" I started taking ballet lessons when I was 4, and I was performing in ballet companies when I was 10, and I did summer stock in Miami Beach when I was 12, and finally I said, 'I gotta go to Broadway.' "
Go
Ballet
Summer
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